We were waiting for his mom and dad to get home from Washington D.C.
Jackson- Will you tell me when you see them coming?
Me- I will. What are you going to do when they get here?
Jackson- I'm going to run and say "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!
Me- And Daddy, Daddy, Daddy?
Jackson- Yes, and where's my present?
Me-Jackson, you should tell them you missed them and that you are glad they are home. And ask them if they had a good time.
Jackson-Yes, and where's my present.
When Marsha and David got home, Jackson went running. I watched, confident in my coaching skills.
Jackson- Running, jumping into his daddy's arms. Where's my present?
What a gift this child is to us all.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Team Work
I was permitted to change my work schedule when Marsha got sick. I was given a charge position in the ER twelve hour shifts on Friday, Saturday, and Sundays. This allowed me to spend Monday through Thursday with Marsha. Her dad came in on Thursday nights and stayed through Friday. David was home on the weekends.
On Chemo days, David's parents took Jackson for a couple of days so I could concentrate my energy on Marsha during those tough days after Chemo.
Tonya came often to play with Jackson. Now Tonya is his, he thinks. Whenever they are together she belongs to him. She sure helped keep the focus off his mom and keep his little life normal and fun.
Jackson is better now but for awhile after Marsha was done with treatments and I would come over he would get cranky and didn't want to look at me. I guess he thought I was going to take his mommy away, which I sometimes did.
We had a great routine going. David's job was to keep working and providing that great insurance. We wanted him to save his vacation days or time off in case he needed to help us.
He sometimes felt like he should be with his wife and that was understandable. Other than a stomach problem, also understandable, David was wonderful and strong.
I recently read in a book a phrase that will forever be in my heart....
"Physical causes are too wrapped up in their emotional results to be disentangled."
David's stomach problems are gone now I think, now that Marsha is well.
It all seems like a bad dream sometimes. But the fear and rage and pain and disrupted life and a loss of direction seem to be my left overs.
But I have not lost a daughter to cancer. I have gained a strong friendship with a kick ass woman who is an inspiration to all who know her.
"Fuck Cancer!"
On Chemo days, David's parents took Jackson for a couple of days so I could concentrate my energy on Marsha during those tough days after Chemo.
Tonya came often to play with Jackson. Now Tonya is his, he thinks. Whenever they are together she belongs to him. She sure helped keep the focus off his mom and keep his little life normal and fun.
Jackson is better now but for awhile after Marsha was done with treatments and I would come over he would get cranky and didn't want to look at me. I guess he thought I was going to take his mommy away, which I sometimes did.
We had a great routine going. David's job was to keep working and providing that great insurance. We wanted him to save his vacation days or time off in case he needed to help us.
He sometimes felt like he should be with his wife and that was understandable. Other than a stomach problem, also understandable, David was wonderful and strong.
I recently read in a book a phrase that will forever be in my heart....
"Physical causes are too wrapped up in their emotional results to be disentangled."
David's stomach problems are gone now I think, now that Marsha is well.
It all seems like a bad dream sometimes. But the fear and rage and pain and disrupted life and a loss of direction seem to be my left overs.
But I have not lost a daughter to cancer. I have gained a strong friendship with a kick ass woman who is an inspiration to all who know her.
"Fuck Cancer!"
Sunday, February 8, 2009
The day our lives changed.
It is time for me to write about the patient who most touches my heart and life. My daughter Marsha. Together we traveled through the maze of cancer treatment.
She was 31 years old, a wife and a mother to an almost 2 year old. She had been suffering with a cough, weight loss, fatigue and chest pain for six months. Her Dr. kept treating her for allergies.
I was at her house one day to use the computer and she was talking on her cell phone walking around her living room. She became short of breath and had to lean over the counter in the kitchen to breathe.
I had no idea that she was so sick. I took her to the hospital right then. After a chest xray and a CT we went from peaceful existence into full battle.
The chest xray will be forever imprinted on my mind. The mass filled her right lung. I could no longer feel my body. The noise around me became muffled. Knowing I could not faint in front of my daughter, I focused on moving forward.
We needed a biopsy, a diagnosis. I wanted no gap between this day and treatment. This was July 10th 2007.
I drove Marsha home from the hospital that night; I watched her walk into her house and close the door behind her. I don't know what went on behind her closed doors that night but when I got home, I sure gave in to my own emotions......and then the anger.
How can a Dr. let 6 months go by without blood work or xrays. Again my own profession fails me.
Tonya was there in the kitchen waiting. Those who know me will think this odd that I felt embraced by the kitchen as well as by Tonya. This kitchen has seen me and my family through some amazing and painful times.
It looks different now, light blue floors, and a cool counter waist high that I draped over while I cried and raged and moaned.
July 11th Marsha and I went to see the pulmonologist and scheduled a biopsy for the 12th. More pictures to live in my memory. Oozing pus and necrotic tissue. I think she will lose a lung. But we can live with one lung. We can do this.
David and Marsha came to hide out at our house for a couple of days. Away from people asking them questions they had no answers for.
In 3 days we had a preliminary diagnosis of Non Hodgkins lymphoma. I had an appointment with an oncologist the next day. On the 24th of July Marsha had her first Chemo treatment. Fourteen days from her ER trip to treatment. The battle was on.
Just the beginning. I write this for my own therapy so if it sounds a little me oriented that's why. I'll write more another day. This is hard but I think it will be good for me.
She was 31 years old, a wife and a mother to an almost 2 year old. She had been suffering with a cough, weight loss, fatigue and chest pain for six months. Her Dr. kept treating her for allergies.
I was at her house one day to use the computer and she was talking on her cell phone walking around her living room. She became short of breath and had to lean over the counter in the kitchen to breathe.
I had no idea that she was so sick. I took her to the hospital right then. After a chest xray and a CT we went from peaceful existence into full battle.
The chest xray will be forever imprinted on my mind. The mass filled her right lung. I could no longer feel my body. The noise around me became muffled. Knowing I could not faint in front of my daughter, I focused on moving forward.
We needed a biopsy, a diagnosis. I wanted no gap between this day and treatment. This was July 10th 2007.
I drove Marsha home from the hospital that night; I watched her walk into her house and close the door behind her. I don't know what went on behind her closed doors that night but when I got home, I sure gave in to my own emotions......and then the anger.
How can a Dr. let 6 months go by without blood work or xrays. Again my own profession fails me.
Tonya was there in the kitchen waiting. Those who know me will think this odd that I felt embraced by the kitchen as well as by Tonya. This kitchen has seen me and my family through some amazing and painful times.
It looks different now, light blue floors, and a cool counter waist high that I draped over while I cried and raged and moaned.
July 11th Marsha and I went to see the pulmonologist and scheduled a biopsy for the 12th. More pictures to live in my memory. Oozing pus and necrotic tissue. I think she will lose a lung. But we can live with one lung. We can do this.
David and Marsha came to hide out at our house for a couple of days. Away from people asking them questions they had no answers for.
In 3 days we had a preliminary diagnosis of Non Hodgkins lymphoma. I had an appointment with an oncologist the next day. On the 24th of July Marsha had her first Chemo treatment. Fourteen days from her ER trip to treatment. The battle was on.
Just the beginning. I write this for my own therapy so if it sounds a little me oriented that's why. I'll write more another day. This is hard but I think it will be good for me.
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